With the recent emergence of advanced stats in NHL hockey (Corsi, Fenwick, Relative Corsi, PDO, Zone Start Percentage), I thought it is important to bring this same type of thinking to my old man beer league team.

Here are the advanced stats I propose we start using to track our team and players:

Points Per Ache (PPA)- Considering we had a player miss a game from a neck injury sustained while shampooing his hair, I think this stat could say a lot about a player’s worth to our team.

Relative PPA measures how many people in that player’s family are also in pain that day.

Family Obligations Missed (FOM)- Like some of the new advanced stats, FOM can be interpreted in many ways. While a high FOM indicates a player’s dedication to our team, it also might build resentment at home which could ultimately effect their play.

Fonzi- The average attendance of our game is made up of new girlfriends, bored children and curious octogenarian parents. But these fans are integral to making our games feel important and boosting our egos. That’s why the Fonzi was developed. It measures how many spectators a player brings to each game.

Rap Sheet Percentage- It’s an established fact that every beer league team needs one hardened criminal on the bench. Using a team’s Rap Sheet Percentage you can quickly determine how much of the team is made up of seedy characters. Also gaining popularity is the Face Tat Percentage.

Dogging on Teammates (DOT)- Chirping at the other team is a useful exercise and has its advantages. But it’s more important to keep your teammates in check and remind them how bad they are at hockey or at managing their life. DOT catalogs how much you tastefully chirp your own teammates on the bench, in the locker room or over email.

WTF- Like PDO this stat doesn’t really stand for anything. It tracks how much hockey jargon a player can spout while on the bench of any given game. Advanced statisticians are looking for things like “Way to go bar down, bud” and “Get off the ice, ya duster” or “Let’s run a strong overload, make sure not to get sucked down too far though, try to follow an umbrella pattern” and “Cycle! Cycle! Cycle!”

Suds Delivered- Arguably the most vital stat. It tracks how much beer a player brings to a game.

Some more Beer League Stats from other hockey beauties

Suds +/- – It’s always annoying to have that guy who drinks so much more than anyone else but never seems to pay for any of the beer. Suds +/- tracks beers consumed vs beers brought. This is the guy who has 4 beers, and takes two home every week, and then brings a 12 pack on his night to bring.

Puck Hogging Percentage (PHP) – A truly valuable men’s league player will go above and beyond to try to carry the puck through at least 2-3 opposing players at a time, especially if there is an open teammate up the ice waiting for a pass. PHP tracks the amount of times a player carries the puck when better passing options were available

Excuses Per Game (EPG) – How many excuses do your team mates generate per game? You know they’ll play bad if the excuses start before they even get on the ice. We’ve all heard the “I ate too much turkey, might be a little slow out there” and lets not forgot theApplogies Per Game (APG) “My bad” “Oh sorry about that” and “Sorry didn’t see you wide open, back door, while I tried to dangle 3 guys”

Beverages Consumed while Dressing (BCD) – While Suds Delivered is important to track, we also should keep stats on total BCD. This tracks suds consumed immediately prior to hitting the ice, which can be extremely important during tournaments.

Line Trip Percentage (LTP) – More common in the beginner level leagues LTP tracks the percentage of times a guy trips over the blue or red line while entering a zone. In the higher men’s league the LTP usually increases with BCD

4th period minutes played - Tracking the players who stay in the locker room longest post game. For the team waiting to use this dressing room it can negatively effect some players BCD, but also increase the EPG because the players had to rush to get dressed.

Extended Shifts Taken (EST) – Let’s be honest, we all want to play a little hockey, but there are some guys who think they should be on longer than others. You’re average mens league shift should be about 45 seconds, maybe 1 minute. EST tracks the extended shifts that some guys take. Every second past 45 seconds is tallied.